
These ladies are attempting to invert their nethers and become men.
For years I’ve been joking with The Wife about having a boy; or, I guess more to the point, I’ve joked with her about not having a girl. Everything from, “Just stick it back in ‘til it’s done,” and “We’ll make her blow until a penis pops out” to “We’ll just give it to your sister,” and “I’ll leave and take the dog with me”.
But I never was serious about it. None of those things really crossed my mind. It was just something (borderline) funny to say once in a while. As a matter of fact, we didn’t even discuss girls’ names because I always had a smart-ass comment like, “Why waste our time with naming something that will never exist? It‘d be like naming New Coke.”
And then we found out that The Baby is actually The Daughter. I gotta say, I was pretty disappointed.
And I don’t know why. It’s not like I’ve longed to have a little boy in my life. It’s not like all my friends have little boys and I thought it’d be cool to drink beer during playdates. But the news really got to me.
The more I thought about it, the less disappointed I was – we’ll have more chances and for the first few years, boys and girls are pretty much the same anyway – no; it was something different. Something that didn’t have to do with the gender of my offspring, but something that had to do with How I See Kids.
And then, as I was running away in a panic, thinking, “How the hell am I going to do this? I don’t know anything about little girls,” it hit me. I didn’t want a boy because I know how boys function, I wanted a boy because I wanted to relive my youth.

This is the real reason I wanted a boy. I wanted to do kick-ass stuff with his toys.
I wanted to play with Legos again. I wanted to play with GI Joes and eat fudgesicles and throw things as hard as I can. I wanted to let him think he was getting away with something when he borrows the car, I wanted to give him advice when a girl stomps all over his heart, and I wanted to play bad-ass when he gets out of line. Basically, I wanted a redo. Maybe I wanted a chance to be a better bigger brother than I actually was. I wanted a boy because I wanted my younger days back. But wanting to relive my earlier days is not why I want kids.
I want kids because life is repetitive and boring. I want kids because I have everything figured out in my life right now, and when that happens, Life has a way of showing you something new.
Like how to raise a girl.
Without treating her like a boy.
Without giving her daddy issues.
So that she can become a healthy woman.
See, a father can screw up a son pretty badly and the son won’t have any life-altering negative attitudes; that is, if my dad was too harsh or not harsh enough, the worst thing that could happen is that I will always look for a father-figure wherever I go. If The Wife’s dad was too harsh or not harsh enough, she’ll always harbor some sort of resentment toward men; she’ll either love them WAY too much or WAY too little. It can screw up her whole life.
To me, that means that I have to be a better father to Daughter than I could have been to a son. And that’s MUCH more exciting than getting to play with Nerf guns again.