Wolverine: The Movie

Yes, I believe this would look super hot as a real-life costume.  However, Maddox the Multiple Man would not.

Yes, I believe this would look super hot as a real-life costume. However, Maddox the Multiple Man would not.

I remember hearing about the X-Men movie for the first time.  The thing that always stopped me from fantasizing about it (as so many teenage comic nerds do) was how ridiculous their costumes would look in real life.  It was around this time that artists like Portacio were giving each individual member a skimpy costume of their own.

Don’t get me wrong, I think Halle Barry would look hot, but I couldn’t imagine not laughing out loud when I saw Iceman.

I saw it and it was better than I expected, but not that great.  I saw X-Men 2 out of habit – it was about this time that my friend was convinced that all comic book movies were worth seeing just because they were comic book movies (apparently, he did not learn his lesson with Batman and Robin) – and it was spectacular.  There’ve been better comic-based movies (Spiderman 2 and Watchmen, to name a couple), but X-Men 2 was, by far the best movie-based-on-a-comic that I had ever seen.  Of course, then X-Men 3 came out and blew that all to shit.

To me, X-Men 4 – aka Wolverine – looks like it was written by a non-writer and directed by a non-director. 

I take that back.  Maybe it was written by someone who normally doesn’t write this type of movie and was directed by someone who doesn’t normally direct this type of movie.  It was coherent and watchable, but that’s as about as high as I’d go with the praise.

The thing that boggled my mind about X-Men 2 was that there were like eight main characters and they all grew by the end of the film.  In Wolverine, there are like five main characters, but none of them change and most of them aren’t needed.  By the end of the movie, it’s like nothing happened.

Wolverine and Sabertooth are apparently brothers (something they failed to mention when we saw him in X-Men 1) and are super-old.  Where Wolverine gets sick of killing, Sabertooth likes it more and more.  Now they’re enemies.  Wolverine gets a girlfriend and she dies.  He feels bad so he gets metal sewn onto his bones (I’m not sure how they explained how one goes from “I’m sad” to “I need metal bones” very effectively).  During this procedure, they steal some of Wolverine’s mutant powers of healing and growing blades from his arms.  Also around this time we see Cyclops.  Interplayed throughout all this there is the Blob, and Gambit, and Maverick. Something like, “Hi, my name is Remy, but you can call me Gambit,” happens three or four times.  Lines like “You are; you just don’t know it yet” spring forth in abundance.

“YEEARGG!  My GF died!  Now I need metal bones!  It makes perfect sense!  One follows the other!”

“YEEARGG! My GF died! Now I need metal bones! It makes perfect sense! One follows the other!”

By the end of the movie, we see that Wolverine’s girlfriend didn’t actually die, the Blob and Gambit and Maverick aren’t needed, the story of Cyclops goes nowhere, the super bad guy gets killed pretty quickly, and Wolverine loses his memory.  Nothing happened. 

A real writer wouldn’t do that.  A real writer would give these characters a purpose; he’d give the events some repercussions. 

Like with the original X-Men, I’m not saying the movie was bad; it was fine and if it was on TV on some random Sunday, I’d probably sit down and watch. 

I guess to put it a little more eloquently, Wolverine is the best movie that should never have been made.

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