Male Pregnancy

I have a few posts about the weirdness of pregnancy.  I was trying to think of a male point-of-view-type-thing where it looks like it’s hard on us too.

I went through all the unoriginal stuff in my head: I have to do more house work, I have to build a nursery, I have to put up with the mood swings, etc.  But those aren’t very funny or original.  I try to be, if not one, then the other (but rarely both).

So I started to look at it from a more serious perspective: sex is different now because we used sex as a means to an end and since the end has arrived, the means mean something else.  But feeling sorry for myself isn’t really my style, and it’s not very good writing either (who wants to read a whole page on “there’s no more passion in our lives”?)

So I tried one last attempt by merging the funny with the sex; I don’t usually do dirty jokes, but I thought I might give it a shot.  I started to think of various not-so-dirty pregnant jokes, and that’s when it hit me:

Men are freaks.

See, the female vision of the perfect man really hasn’t changed much in a few hundred years; he’s fairly chiseled, rich, and a good father.  The male vision of the perfect woman keeps getting weirder and weirder.

Long ago, according to art historians, the perfect version of a woman was robust.  She had strong arms and legs and wide hips and a little bit o’ chunk on her.  Basically, our (the male) vision of a woman was that she was pregnant.  Now days it’s all sorts of crazy.

Apparently we like them wet as well. I looked up "perfect woman" on a search engine and the entire first page was ladies in water.

We want her lips red and big, like she’s horny all the time.  We want her eyes to be bag-less and free of thought, like she’s an idiot who gets a lot of sleep.  We want her arms to be tiny, like she’s weak and needs some protection.  We want her to have virtually no nose, like she’s a cartoon character.  We want her to have some sort of sunken-in face, like she’s depriving herself of food.  We want her to have no waist, like she’s perpetually 16.  We want her to have no body hair anywhere, like she’s perpetually 8.  Finally, we want her to have gigantic, yet somehow perky, breasts, like she’s pregnant.

I don’t know about you, but I think this is pretty sick.  What this says to me is that if I found a perfect shining example of each of those traits – someone with the perfect no-nose or the perfect vacant stare – that I would try and have sex with a nympho, a cognitively impaired lady, a quadriplegic, Sailor Moon, someone who survived a concentration camp, two children, and a preggo.

That’s messed up.

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One Response

  1. there’s a fetish for each of those

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