No Appointments

I’ve said for a long time (although, curiously, I don’t think I’ve ever written an article about it) that the only way we can truly achieve world peace is if everyone starts to either be completely selfish or completely selfless. This way, there would be no difference of opinion on every damn thing that happens. For instance, if someone were to murder their family, then everyone would either say, “Well, they must’ve been in the way” or “That’s awful; we should send flowers.” There would be no in-between, no real inquiry; we would all have the same point of view. Curiously enough, I think we’re inching closer to the “completely selfish” world.

Yesterday, The Wife and I took Lemon to her check-up. Basically, the doctor measures her to see if she’s gaining weight in all the right places and tests her to see if she’s handicapped in some way. Our appointment was for 10:45 AM. We got there at the requested 10:30 (I’m not sure why it would be a request to show up to an appointment early. If you want us there at 10:30, make the appointment for 10:30). After we signed the sheet that said we were in the building, and after signing the appropriate paperwork, they called us up the counter to say that the doctor had left the building.

The first thing The Wife thought of was, “Oh no! I hope there wasn’t an emergency!”

The first thing I thought of was, “But we have an appointment.”

Since we had to leave anyway, we decided to take The Wife’s car in for a little tune-up. We called the dealership on the way and asked if there was room for us in their schedule. The mechanic we talked to said that if we brought it in soon, he’d have time to look at it. Apparently, “soon” means “before you called.”

Not 15 minutes had past since I hung up the phone (although, considering cells don’t have cradles anymore, I guess I should start saying “ended the call” or “pushed the red button”) when the same man who told me to drive there said that he no longer had any more room. “But I had an appointment!”

It looks like a real magazine, but it's actually just an ad for genital botox.

That afternoon, I had a doctor’s appointment of my own. I got there a little bit early, as I normally do because I like to look at the fake magazines they have there (they look like real “doctor’s advice”-type magazines, but they’re just advertisements for stool softeners and acai berry formulas). When I signed the little clipboard – why do they have that, by the way? – they informed me that the doctor was running about an hour behind.  “BUT I HAD AN APPOINTMENT!”

So what is an appointment for? I had an appointment broken three times in one day by three different companies. Each time a different reason was given, but each time my response was the same. A chunk of the day is given to me, by the professional – I didn’t just make up this time; I didn’t just break out of jail and then notice that my urine was off-color – to have contact with said professional. I then ask them their expertise and am given a course of action to follow. At no other point in the proceedings is it allowed by either party to simply renege their part of the agreement. I can’t not pay. They can’t refuse to serve me. But for some reason, this particular part – the appointment – is suddenly up for grabs. Am I misunderstanding the word?

Since we’re getting to a point in American society where everyone is selfish all the time, “appointment” is losing its connotations. It no longer means, “A specified time for a meeting to take place,” it means “a general era where something could happen given the right set of circumstances.”

I guess I just need to get more selfish. Then, the next time someone cancels an appointment with me, I can just go, “Oh, well. I’d probably cancel too,” and then haul ass to spring break where I can sell Lemon for some McFarlane Spider-Mans.

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4 Responses

  1. Thats like that seinfeld where he has the reservation!

  2. Misfire.

  3. […] Call You Posted on August 11, 2010 by Nick I think this post closely resembles my post “No Appointments” in that it’s about no appointments. This is how Mr. Banner looks right before he says, […]

  4. […] live in an increasingly selfish society.  This is ok.  I honestly believe that the only way we’re ever going to achieve world peace is if we’re all super-selfish or […]

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