Never Thought I’d See the Day…

One of the reasons I don’t really drink (other than I would be a 6th generation alcoholic, it’s expensive, and it seems like a waste of time when there are perfectly good stick-figures to be drawn) is because there’s nothing new.  What I mean is that every drink I’ve ever tried is an imitation of something better.

When I was in high school people – mostly my cousins – would always try to get me to drink booze.  They’d say, “You like orange kool-aid?  Try this triple sec” or “You like apple juice?  Try this pucker” or “You like Slurpees?  Try this vodka and…”  Each time I would shrug and say that the alcoholic thing does indeed taste an awful lot like the non-alcoholic thing it’s trying to imitate, but I like the real thing better.  You can’t make apple juice better than actual apple juice; when you put booze in it, it tastes like apple juice, but burny.  It’s the reason I drink beer if I drink anything because nothing tastes like beer except beer (probably for a good reason.  You can always tell how good something is by how many imitators it has).

Since I had these high school experiences, I haven’t had a beverage that’s new.  All soda companies have their version of cola and lemon/lime and root beer; all juice companies have their version of apple and orange and grape.  Even these “new” energy drinks taste the same as everything else and these “fortified” waters taste like diluted soda or juice or energy drinks.  It’s all the same.

When I got married, I had given up on finding a new beverage.  “I’ll never have sex with another woman and I’ll never taste another new drink” was my adage.

But then we went to Harry Potter Land in Universal Studios in Florida.  And they have Butterbeer.

I gotta say, even though I don’t like Harry Potter and I think Rowling is a hack and an awful mother, Warner Brothers did me proud in the making of butterbeer.  It tastes like nothing you’ve ever had before.  I can’t even say it’s a mix between two things.  I wish I could say, “It’s like butterscotch, but not” or “It’s like root beer but with a really buttery texture” but I can’t.  It’s a totally original beverage.  It’s something I never thought I’d see.

It’s the Tiny Life of drinks.


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