Superhuman Urine

A few days ago I went on a mini-vacation with a couple friends o’ mine. They both work quite a bit in the summer (one has three jobs) so they decided to rent a room on Houghton Lake and a boat for cruising.

We got the room, we got the boat, we went cruising. One friend decided that, since this is his only vacation this year, that he’d “live it up” by drinking way too much way too early in the day and by not using any sunscreen. The other decided to live it up by drinking nothing but water and by applying enough sunscreen to ensure that he’d never be any darker than drywall

When we got on the boat the rental guy asked us if we were going out to “the island.” We had no idea what he was talking about, but thought it’d be pretty cool to motor out to an island in the biggest inland lake in the state. When we got there, it wasn’t much more than a larger-than-usual sandbar. But it was apparently the place to be since there were no less than 60 boats full of drunken hillbillies (“How can a hillbilly own a boat?” you might ask. When your boat consists of no more than a plywood deck on top of four burning barrels and you still wear your favorite NASCAR hat even though the only other thing you have on is a pair of cut-offs and some dollar-store sunglasses, then you can still be considered a hillbilly). After we boated over to a restaurant that had some slips, we decided to hang out on the island.

About three hours in we all had to pee. It was discussed and agreed upon that we should all jump in the water, swim in three different directions and relieve ourselves in the lake. We all made funny faces and gestures and it was a good time had by all. Until I got my kidney infection.

There really weren’t many symptoms. There wasn’t excruciating pain or throbbing. I didn’t pee red. I could just feel my kidneys. You’re not supposed to feel your kidneys. Like all your other organs, the kidneys are supposed to be like indentured servants and just do their job.

I went to the doctor, he had me pee in a cup, and he gave me a prescription for two types of antibiotics: one was a general antibiotic so I wouldn’t infect anything else with me inflamed kidneys, the other turned my urinary tract into something more than human.

I put in the fridge for future use.

Have you ever gotten stitches? Or maybe stepped on a nail? Basically, any time a doctor has to puncture you, he pours this orange antiseptic liquid on you to disinfect the area. This second antibiotic was designed (I looked it up) to interact with my pee ingredients and create a super-sterile environment. It turned my pee into antiseptic.

Luckily, my dog had to have stitches just a few days later. I didn’t have to pay for that super-expensive store-bought brand of antiseptic. I just treated him as if he was stung by a jellyfish.

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