When I Told The Wife

 On the way home from the cardiologist, I called The Wife and told her that the news I received was not good (ironically, this was the first time in ten years she didn’t go with me).  She sounded concerned, as well as, I figured, she should be.

On the way home I kept trying to think of the best way to tell my wife that I very well could be dead sometime soon.  The more I thought about it, the more I got choked up.  The more I got choked up, the more I didn’t want to go home. 

For a brief time I blamed her; my default position is to blame other people for anything that happens to me (good or bad).  I thought that since this is the first time in ten years she didn’t come with me, that maybe this was her fault.  I thought that since I hadn’t had a check-up since Lemon was born and that she all but forced me to have a daughter, that maybe this was her fault.

And then I stopped being a jackass and pulled in the driveway.

I told her the whole situation.  She listened with purpose.  But that was it.  No reaction.  I said something like, “What am I supposed to do now?”  She told me that I should do whatever I want.  Remembering my parents’ relationship, I said, “I’m so very sorry for what you’re about to go through.”  She told me that it’s not a problem.

I don’t think she understood the gravity of the situation.  I still don’t think she does.  All she really knew is that I was upset by this and I never get upset by anything.  In order to keep me calm, in order to keep me grounded, she did what all Joneses are trained to do: be the opposite. 

The Wife listened and nodded and smiled at all the right parts of my questions and diatribe.  All I really wanted was someone to be horrified and terrified and angry with me: there’s a good chance I won’t see Lemon grow up; I’ve lived a clean and honest life yet I’m being treated by the cosmos as if I’ve spent the last 60 years eating cheese fries and humping hookers.  She wouldn’t have any of it.

Later on she said she was angry that I was being so dramatic.  Maybe she was right.

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One Response

  1. You can’t help what you feel, and you should be under no obligation to hide it. Nevertheless, I’d probably see things the way your wife does.

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