Permits (part 1)

Or a house made of Tilt-a-Whirls

In order to build Xanadu, I have to get a building permit.  This isn’t unusual, and I’m sure it’s very practical.   Although I own the property, I can’t just put any piece of shit made out of egg cartons, deweaponized plutonium, and a dog coop on casters.  I get it.  What I don’t get is the number of things I have to do in order to get that permit.

On the building permit it says I need:

  1. A land clearing permit
  2. An energy use report
  3. A driveway permit
  4. A soil erosion permit
  5. A water permit
  6. A sewer permit
  7. A copy of the blueprints
  8. A site plan
  9. A sidewalk permit

That is, I need these permits before I can apply for the building permit.

Each permit has a little story.

Story the First: A Copy of the Blueprints.

As sad as it is, $2000 is on the low end of pricing for large sheets of paper.

I’ve been working with Pageant Homes since the beginning.  Although I am technically my own contractor, I’ve been using – and continue to use – their services and expertise for everything.  I ordered everything through them, I used their guy for CAD design, I talked to their resident expert/salesman about various building codes… so it makes sense that I use them for the blueprints.

In order to get these blueprints, I had to write a check for $2000.

I understand why they do it; they don’t want me getting a bunch of advice from their top guys only to walk away and use another company.  It’d be like if I brought my dog to a training facility and told them I needed a seeing-eye dog as soon as possible.  So they got their best guys on the case and before long I had a completely trained helper dog, vest and everything.  But right before graduation – the day they get paid – I say, “Thanks for everything, but it turns out I misheard the doctor: I’m not going blind, it’s Crohn’s Disease.  I have under-control anal-leakage”

Story the Second: The Energy Use Report.

Pageant homes used their expertise to write this for me.  No charge (well, no charge after the two grand).

Story the Third:  Sidewalk Permits.

Also considered for this analogy: women over 40 who still look like this.

There are no sidewalks where I live, so I don’t have to fill this one out.  I just think it sounds weird that I would have to ask permission (and pay for the privilege) to build an unwanted sidewalk that I would have to pay for and maintain.  It’d be like being mandated to trade in my car for a ’72 Mustang; it looks great, but it doesn’t start in the winter and I will always be working on it.

Story the Fourth: Land-Clearing Permits

Like the sidewalk permit, I find this one odd.  Why would I buy a piece of land if I don’t have the option of clearing it out for the purpose of living on it?  Or for the purpose of building a volleyball court for nudists?  The reason they want a permit for it is because I need permission to cut down each individual tree.  Every one of them.  You can see the results here.

I’ll have more as I get more permits.


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