In order to build Xanadu, I have to get a building permit. This isn’t unusual, and I’m sure it’s very practical. Although I own the property, I can’t just put any piece of shit made out of egg cartons, deweaponized plutonium, and a dog coop on casters. I get it. What I don’t get is the number of things I have to do in order to get that permit.
On the building permit it says I need:
- A land clearing permit
- An energy use report
- A driveway permit
- A soil erosion permit
- A water permit
- A sewer permit
- A copy of the blueprints
- A site plan
- A sidewalk permit
That is, I need these permits before I can apply for the building permit.
Each permit has a little story.
Story the First: A Copy of the Blueprints.
I’ve been working with Pageant Homes since the beginning. Although I am technically my own contractor, I’ve been using – and continue to use – their services and expertise for everything. I ordered everything through them, I used their guy for CAD design, I talked to their resident expert/salesman about various building codes… so it makes sense that I use them for the blueprints.
In order to get these blueprints, I had to write a check for $2000.
I understand why they do it; they don’t want me getting a bunch of advice from their top guys only to walk away and use another company. It’d be like if I brought my dog to a training facility and told them I needed a seeing-eye dog as soon as possible. So they got their best guys on the case and before long I had a completely trained helper dog, vest and everything. But right before graduation – the day they get paid – I say, “Thanks for everything, but it turns out I misheard the doctor: I’m not going blind, it’s Crohn’s Disease. I have under-control anal-leakage”
Story the Second: The Energy Use Report.
Pageant homes used their expertise to write this for me. No charge (well, no charge after the two grand).
Story the Third: Sidewalk Permits.
There are no sidewalks where I live, so I don’t have to fill this one out. I just think it sounds weird that I would have to ask permission (and pay for the privilege) to build an unwanted sidewalk that I would have to pay for and maintain. It’d be like being mandated to trade in my car for a ’72 Mustang; it looks great, but it doesn’t start in the winter and I will always be working on it.
Story the Fourth: Land-Clearing Permits
Like the sidewalk permit, I find this one odd. Why would I buy a piece of land if I don’t have the option of clearing it out for the purpose of living on it? Or for the purpose of building a volleyball court for nudists? The reason they want a permit for it is because I need permission to cut down each individual tree. Every one of them. You can see the results here.
I’ll have more as I get more permits.
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