Krang Bank

I’m sure I’ll talk about this more, but here’s how a home loan works:

When you go and ask for a loan, you don’t ask for “around $100,000”, you have to give them a list of things you plan on buying with that money and approximately how much each of those things costs.  You don’t need receipts, but you need to be pretty accurate (they won’t give you $74,000 for “sex swing installation”.  Everyone knows it’s $395 installed).  Then – and this is the common misconception – the bank doesn’t give you all the money all at once (like a “car loan” or a “surrogate mother” loan); they give it to you in stages and these stages are called “draws”.

Here’s how it works:

I order something for the house.  The something is installed.  I get billed for that something.  After a number of somethings, I tell the bank that these somethings are installed by filling out a form called a “sworn statement”.  They don’t believe me so they send a guy out to make sure I’ll use the money on these somethings instead of a solid gold ping pong ball (which is impractical).  Once I convince them, they give me a chunk of the money, I pay all the installers for their somethings, and then the installers sign something called a “lien waver.”  I need these collected before the next draw.  Because, again, the bank doesn’t believe me.

As with everything, I’ve hit a snag.

On a related topic, my kids love the new TMNT.  It’s a lot more interesting than the 1990’s version.  They’ve reinvented Krang, who is actually a sort of scary character now.  He still has an odd way of speaking:

These two are related because Krang has apparently taken over my bank.  Here is the email I got regarding why I can’t get the “draw” until a few line items on the “sworn statement” are figured out:

I will need the sworn statement to show the borrowers name on the sworn statement and where he purchased materials, I will need a receipt/waiver for the materials.

I wonder if these means I can get my kids into banking?

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