The Force Awakens Review

Two stoners sit in mom’s basement. Tonight they’ve found the family VCR and watched the original non-special edition Star Wars trilogy. After watching all three movies, never seeing the second three movies, and using their new Taylor Swift vaporizer for the last six hours, the following conversation occurs:

Dude, we should remake Star Wars.

Didn’t they already remake Star Wars?

But we should make it better.

Like what if Luke and Leia were the same person? Like all the backstory of Luke but looks like Leia.

How would that work?

I dunno. Like hot gold bikini and white robes together somehow. They end up making out and they’re brother/sister.

I’d make out with your sister.

But it’s not your sister.

You can make out with my sister.

Plus, everyone just wants her to get with Han Solo anyways.

Hey!  What if Han Solo was black? 

That be sweet. Then he could say stuff like “That’s what I’m talkin bout!” and “No you di’nt!” and “Welcome to earth!”

And what if, instead of Darth Vader being old, he was the same age as Luke? Maybe a few years older.

So Vader’s like eight when he knocks up Luke’s mom? That’s badass.

No. You’re right. That wouldn’t work.

What is Darth Vader is the brother and Luke/Leia is the sister?

But we already got rid of the brother/sister thing.

Oh. Right.

What if they’re cousins?

Now we’re getting somewhere.

And what if, instead of a Death Star that blows up a planet, what if they make one, like, bigger.

And it blows up whole solar systems!

OK. But, can they still fly in and shoot the exhaust pipe? That was badass.

Of course.

But we need some Obi-Wan guy. Some older guy. These movies always have some older guy that tells everyone what to do.


Oh! What about Harrison Ford?

You mean Indiana Jones?

Yeah! Because now that Han Solo is black, we can use him for O-B-1-K-no-B.

Yeah! And then they can use the Millennium Falcon!

Nice. But what about Chewbacca?

Got to have Chewbacca.

What about R2-D2 and C3PO?

Maybe. Somehow make them less annoying. Maybe take out the talking one (I forget which one’s which) and turn the other one into Wall-E.

Or Johnny 5!

Yeah! Grab Short Circuit!

Pass Taylor Swift over here, I’m starting to feel lucid.


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