What to Do with an Old iPhone

I first bought a cell phone in 2002.  It was a blue Nokia.  I got it because I was constantly on the road – my band, The Rachels, was starting to hit it big after “Alicia Silverstone Should Be a Homophone” got some serious airplay.


That’s me on the left.  I used to be swole.

Once we broke up (there was some in-fighting about whether or not the Chevy Chase Show was going to be the best late-night talk show of all time or just the best currently airing), I got a good job and was making some serious five-figure cash.  I could afford a credit card and bought an iPod with that credit.  This meant that at any given time I had a cell phone, an iPod, keys to a sweet 2001 Eagle Summit, a digital camera, and a money clip with a credit card tied around it.  It was around this time that I started wearing many-pocketed pants and gave up the leather trousers (I had a hard time giving up the lifestyle of the Joe Millionaires (we changed the name of the band a few times; it went from “Hobie’s Gotta Run” to “The Rachels” to “Felicity Grow Your Hair”, to “NOmorosa”, to “The Joe Millionaires”)).

Then the iPhone came out and I could finally put all this in one place.  Then I had kids.  Then Apple made it so I didn’t need to sync my phone to my computer, so I bought a new iPhone.  But I can’t give the old one away, it’s a tiny computer. There’s gotta be a thousand things you can do with a tiny computer.

I tried loading it up with kids games and letting them play with it every once in a while, but for some reason it always made them angry (it might have been my choice of games; The Wife and I were legally separated over level 70 of Candy Crush).  So then I thought about a jukebox or a TV remote or a tiny picture frame or a Netflix viewer for destroying my vision or some sort of smart-house hub system, but that all seemed way more trouble than it was worth.  Plus, as the apps advance and as the internet speeds up, my little iPhone isn’t going to be able to keep up with much of anything anymore.

So I made a clock.  Or, rather, a clock dock.  Or rather, my Unlocked Mock Clock Dock Block.


I’ve taken everything off it except three apps:


1. It tells the time, date, and weather.  None of which are internet-heavy apps.


2. Pandora, so I can soothe my inner-rage with “A Pocket Full of Kryptonite”


3. A picture viewer, in case I need the thunderdome of my home-life to encroach on the thunderdome of my work-life


(I also have the “Find My iPhone” app, in case anyone wants to steal a phone that only works when plugged in and that contains no apps built after 2009)

The only other thing I could think of, since I can’t trade it in for a 7s, would be to sell it on eBay.  But I need shrink-wrap:


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