All of the Legends of Zelda Review

Did I tell you I had heart surgery?  I don’t know if I mentioned that.

During recovery, I only slept about 2-3 hours per day (I started to think that — because of my robot heart — this all-the-time-awake was going to be the norm, so I started making plans about what to do with (essentially) another lifetime (including trying out all positions in the self-kama-sutra and watching finally finding an appreciation for Garth Brooks); come to find out it was just a side-effect of the anesthesia). Since I had a ton of time on my hands and was unable to move much, I decided to beat all of the Zelda games ever.  Little did I know there’ve been like 30 of them.

zeldagames

Yes, I beat all these.  I’m already married, so quit asking.

Each one is terrific.  They all have great music and great gameplay and Nintendo somehow makes the games tough enough for long enough that each one is interesting up until the very end.  Each one has little side-quests that aren’t necessary but are fun to figure out and each one is intuitive enough to know that the puzzles Link encounters should be slightly more difficult than the last puzzle.  They’re all variations on a theme (like sex or AC/DC), but it’s a great friggin theme.

Except for one thing.

Now I don’t mean one puzzle on one Zelda game was difficult to figure out and I’m here to bitch about it; I mean there is one thing on every Zelda game that I needed the internet for.

When the original Legend of Zelda came out, I had it for the NES.  At the time it was a revelation: “I can save my game?!”  But it was also so massive that whenever I got lost or didn’t know where to find something, I would have to ask Chuck.  Chuck was my older brother’s gamer friend.  He knew everything about every video game. When I finally beat all eight levels and had to find Ganon, I was lost; I thought I’d been everywhere.  Chuck showed me where Spectacle Rock was and I was able to finally beat it.

But Chuck’s not around anymore.  Chuck sold his Dreamcast for some meth.  So now, on every Zelda game, there’s one part that I cannot figure out.

mezelda

Keep your shirt on, ladies.  I told you, I’m married.

Good example: in Majora’s Mask, I have to travel west in order to talk to Zora, the water-people.  But I can’t get over the fence.  The only thing that can hop a fence that big is my horse.  But my horse is caged in a ranch to the south.  But I can’t get to that ranch because Milk Road is blocked.  Now the blockage will disappear on the third day of playing, but when I get through to my horse on that third day, my horse’s captor won’t talk to me because she’s too concerned about her cows getting abducted.  I’m stuck.  Chuck would tell me how to figure this out, but Chuck’s living in a half-way house talking himself out of using that prescription pad he stole.

So instead, I look on the internet.  The internet tells me that I have to use my ocarina to travel back in time three days, re-defeat the bad guy from Snowhead, which will make the snow melt, which unveils a cave where I can talk to a Goron who’ll give me a license to play with gunpowder.  Once I get the license, I can go back to Clock Town, talk to the guy in the bomb shop, he’ll sell me a barrel of gunpowder, which I can use to unblock the path to the ranch where I can get my horse and then jump the fence to talk to the water-people (but only after I help out the lady with her cow problem).

I know that sounds like a joke, but it’s not.  That’s exactly what I had to do.

This happened on every Zelda game. Honestly, I don’t know how I’d do it without walkthroughs.

I guess I could try to get ahold of Chuck.  I hear he does cosplay bj’s for a dimebag.

badcosplay

Last known photograph of Chuck

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