Story Starters

We all have a bunch of amusing stories that we tell other people.  You know how it is; when someone talks about how the seat on airplanes are “just getting too close together”, you have a story about accidentally opening the emergency exit door instead of the bathroom.  It’s not one-upsmanship, you’re just contributing to the conversation.

A friend asked me to start writing mine down.  She’s an English teacher and said that a lot of my openers would make good story-starters for her 10th-grade classes.

So here’s a list of single sentences — that are all true, by the way — that might help spur your imagination.  I’ll add to them from time to time.

  • It was the first of the month, so Billy could finally get his leg back from the pawn shop.
  • I was in the bathroom, attempting my morning constitution, when my roommate asked soberly, “I have some sad news; are you sitting down?”
  • “You know what we got for Christmas in County?  CHOCOLATE milk!”
  • All catalytic converters have platinum in them, and I already have a sawzall.
  • Sure, Gordie has cerebral palsy, but that doesn’t make him less of an asshole.
  • My mom texted “I love you.”  I have no idea how to respond to that.
  • It cost $11,000 to flush my toilet with the lights on.
  • He said, “I don’t remember a thing from my 20’s.”
  • I was changing her diaper when it shot clear across the room.
  • On our first date I broke both her arms.  I wish I could say I was surprised, but she was the fifth person I hurt on a trampoline.
  • He’d already lost a toe, then half a foot, then a whole foot, then half a leg to diabetes, but he was taking a stand.
  • I offered to buy coffee for her everyday for a year if she’d just ask him out.; unfortunately, she was bold and a venti-extra-shot kind of girl.
  • Everyone said it’d be different when they’re your own, but I still don’t like babies.
  • They had an honest-to-god canon that we loaded with a bowling ball and shot every Thanksgiving.
  • It was another Thanksgiving at The Bus.
  • As we were picking up souvenir cups off the ground of Tiger Stadium, my uncle said, “Leave those.  You never know who has eggs.” It was 1988.
  • It was like, if I get enough broken cars, it would equal one car that runs.
  • Because he squatted to pee, we didn’t know if Bowser was a boy or girl for months.
  • It was two weeks after my dad died; come to find out, it was my brother who’d been stealing all my mom’s money and M&Ms.
  • Eminent Domain is great when it works the other way around.

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